"If you have depression on its own your mind sinks into a swamp and loses momentum, but with anxiety in the cocktail, the swamp is still a swamp but the swamp has whirlpools in it." - Matt Haig, Reasons to Stay Alive
I'm very late to the party with Matt Haig's Reasons to Stay Alive, but it feels as though he's taken all the words that are swimming around in my mind during my darkest moments and arranged them into exactly what I'm trying to say about how I'm feeling. I read the above sentence and nearly cried because it summed up how I feel so eloquently. It helped me to realise that perhaps I'm not on my own trying not to drown in those swampy whirlpools.
I've struggled with my mental health for quite a long time, but have reached a point in my life where I feel I really need to gain a stronger sense of control. I'm under no illusions, I know that the problems I have are never going to vanish completely; they are a part of who I am and I have made a certain level of peace with that. But the fact that the associated thoughts and feelings can get so intense that they overwhelm me isn't okay. As someone who can't swim, the idea of drowning is always a terrifying notion, but it works metaphorically as well. If I get triggered by a thought or event, or even just wake up with that weighted feeling of doom around my chest and shoulders, it is very difficult to poke my head out of the fog and rise above the bad vibes. Instead, they pull me under and things get kind of ugly. Anxiety is a dirty little liar and depression believes everything anxiety says and takes it personally - together they form a very toxic relationship that is very difficult to separate.
I am currently coming to the end of a cognitive behavioural therapy course. I think in some ways, it has helped. I've been able to identify what my triggers are and why they cause me such aggro, but it's dealing with the aftermath that's the hard part. I'm not bashing CBT - I know for some it has had a massive positive impact - but I think I'm just going around in circles at the moment, so I need a bit of extra help. I'm reluctant to try medication due to a bad experience in the past, but I'm not ruling it out if I can't make any positive change on my own.
A big thing for me is motivation. This very blog was meant to motivate me but I've let it slide over the last month or so. I'm not saying that being motivated is going to cure my mental health issues entirely, but I'm hoping that giving myself a goal will help to push me forward a bit and revive my get up and go on the days when everything feels a bit tough.
So I've put together this little challenge. My thinking is, if I can do one thing a day that makes me feel motivated, it's a step in the right direction. Plus, it will get me through August and through to the 'ber' months, which are my favourite, so I'm hoping I'll naturally have a bit more excited energy then. I've nicked some of these off Pinterest, but here they are:
Write down your goals for the month
Read (or listen to) something inspirational
Go for a run or walk
Get an early night
Do something you've been putting off
Have a delicious breakfast
Research some new, healthy recipes and work them into your next meal plan
Make a vision board
Get up 20 minutes early and set some intentions for the day
Cook something healthy and nourishing
Get out in the fresh air, even if it's raining!
Write a gratitude list
Get your heart rate up with a new exercise
Go outdoors again!
Listen to a motivational podcast
Write some goals for the week
Get up early and meditate
Do some bedtime yoga
Put your phone down 2 hours before bed and read instead
Call home
Do some more yoga
Write down three things you're proud of
Up your water game! Try for 2 litres at least
Another phone-free evening
Listen to a positive playlist
Fill your meals with leafy green vegetables
Go for a long walk
Buy some flowers to brighten up your home
Take a long, pampering bath
Celebrate finishing the challenge!
Feel free to join in if you like! They are only little things really, but the goal of feeling a bit better and more in control at the end of it is something I'm hoping will spur me on.
I won't blog about this every day because that's excessive, but I'll keep you updated on Instagram.
Again, I know a little challenge like this is trivial in the world of mental health, and if you are struggling it's so important to talk to someone. The Centre for Mental Health provides the following advice for anyone concerned about their mental health:
Call NHS 111 (for when you need help but are not in immediate danger)
Contact your GP and ask for an emergency appointment
Contact the Samaritans
Use the 'Shout' crisis text line - text SHOUT to 85258
Do remember, even though it might feel like it at times, you are never alone.
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